Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
All. The. Damn. Time.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers