Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
You Might Also Like
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Last-minute gift idea!
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.