My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
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“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
#Caturday
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
It be like that sometimes 😆
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.