“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
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Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.