But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
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Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
SCARY COSTUME
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts