[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
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Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Sing it!
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.