skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
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Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I’m not stressed
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient