Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.