A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
You Might Also Like
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this