The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
You Might Also Like
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I can’t wait!
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug