After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
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*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.