99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
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“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes