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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.