trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
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It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?