If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
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I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
this article brought to you by lions
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.