Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
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Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.