You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
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If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.