WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Mistakes were made
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage