(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
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Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.