Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
You Might Also Like
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
cat vs inanimate object
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.