Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
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My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it