I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
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HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Thinking about Jeff
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments