Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
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me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.