Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
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Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth