I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
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“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Saw online –
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.