[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
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My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke