Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”