My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
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My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Hey I worked for it too!
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.