[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
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They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
i- i did not expect this
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.