Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
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My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
do what now??
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Favourite diary entry ever
Weirdos gonna weird.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.