Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
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Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
#oldknees
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..