Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
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I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
*gets down on one knee*
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
you will never know the true number of layers
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…