*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
can’t bark with your mouth full
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.