This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
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8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.