The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
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My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?