marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
You Might Also Like
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
🤣🤣🤣
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job