“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
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What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.