These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
man i love columbo
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.