Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
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The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?