Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
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no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.