Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.