If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
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him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶