Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
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It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
#Caturday
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Comparing yourself to others
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
nothing saves money like being antisocial