Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
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As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*