“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
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You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.