[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
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The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
japanese corn
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.