Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
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The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Education is vital
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband