I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.