I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke