no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
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Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name